Killer Words

65 thoughts on “Killer Words”

1. Hi All,

   Due to the amount of spam this blog was getting, it created problems with my web host. Earlier today they deactivated my account until I cleared out all spam.

   In an attempt to alleviate having this problem in the future, I have installed the GASP comment plugin. It adds one more step to the commenting process, however I feel this is the best move to take in order to not have this happen again.

   I apologize for the inconvenience and hope you understand.

   Thank you for your continued support.

   1. Barbara,
      You will not regret installing GASP. Since I switched from akismet to gasp, I no longer get legit comments caught in spam and spam comment get through.

      By the way, I know that you are using the premium version of CommentLuv plugin. CLUV has GASP in it already. So you don’t even have to install gasp separately. Just go to your commnetluve setting and activate GASP.

      1. Hi Satrap,

         I LOVE the GASP plugin, At first I was getting a few dozen trackback spam, but then unticked the trackback box and so far have only had four spam comments. Sweet!

         I’m not using the premium version of CommentLuv, but do know GASP is part of it. Might need to look into that one day soon. 🙂

2. Very good post Barbara and it does stop blaming the victim
   The book I reviewed today talks a bit about this problem in relation to how we became this ultra Materialism society…kids are being struck by lightning in so many directions at the same time and adult are no less troubled by what to do – even for themselves.

   I think we have to teach the difference between materialism and meaning….and I think that starts with the parents when the babe is just a twinkle in the eye. JD, of sources of insight, wrote a post on my blog about giving life meaning 3 years ago and it comes back to me often…we need to find meaning for ourselves and then we will not be so attracted to all the shiny objects and surface things. We need to get real.

   1. Thank you Patricia,

      That’s true. Kids are facing so much more than they did in the past, especially with the “invention” of social networking. It’s not easy being a kid in the real world, but when we add the virtual world to the mix, like you said, they must feel they’re being bombarded from all directions.

      And yes, it’s hard on parents too. It’s one thing to learn parenting skills, but they also need to learn what’s happening online and need to be somewhat proficient at understanding what their kids are doing while socializing on sites like Facebook.

      Materialism can play a big part as well. With everyone being exposed to peer pressure, finding true meaning in life can be challenging.

3. Hi Barb! I want to start singing a good song for this — R-E-S-P-E-C-T and have everyone sing along. Seems a lot of the chaotic behavior could be cured with a good helping of respect. Get back to the old “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” kind of respect. How about classes in Kindness? Give everyone homework on random acts of kindness – make people LOOK for the opportunities out there to BE kind.

   We need a shift in energy – big time. And this IS the time for it. Instead of tearing people apart, try building them up! Find something nice to say to people or keep your mouth shut. Teach people (early on!) that it is perfectly find to express your opinion as long as it is not an attack on someone else – it is, after all “just” your opinion and let’s face it, opinions aren’t facts, they are not necessarily truth either.

   Sometimes this world operates like it’s the Twilight Zone – everyone has their own version of reality. We can make this a good, fun, creative thing, or we can destroy with this mindset. I can only imagine God with tears rolling down his cheeks when he looks down on us – we are behaving badly! If the one command that unites every world religion is “Love One Another” more than half this planet should be in prison.

   Before I write a sermon, I will just send you my usual hug,
   Suzen

   1. ((Hugs)) back to you SuZen,

      I love your idea of singing along to the “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” song. That is what it’s all about, isn’t it?

      Although we do have freedom of speech and we teach the same to our children, it appears (in some cases), freedom of speech has silenced respect for one another.

      Great idea – to have classes and homework in random acts of kindness – not just for kids but for (some) adults, too.

4. Cyber bullying is just an extension of bullying in real life. Kids can be cruel because they have weak understandings of the consequences. This trend of labeling comments and therefore commentors is one that I hope doesn’t catch on. It might seem funny to a few people but it is just another way to say ‘you’re not good enough to be here.’

   As a parent, I can only hope I give my children a high enough sense of worth while instilling in them the need for compassion. One of the risks for having a blog is that what you write will eventually be read by your children. If you have a raunchy or vulgar style, your children will copy that. If you allow others to label people losers, then your children will think it acceptable. Is it true in all cases? Probably not but I’m not willing to take the chance.

   Children do look to us to be role models so the expression ‘do as I say and not as I do’ is weak. It’s a parent’s responsibility to instill values which can be hard to do if the values you live by are different than those you’re trying to teach your children.

   Bullying is an age old problem and can’t be stamped out with the push of a button. Bloggers could raise more awareness but it all comes down to the fundamentals of parenting. If we’re in the habit of name-calling political candidates, celebrities, coworkers, etc. in the privacy of our home, should we be surprised that our children act like the adults in their lives?

   I’m just ranting a little. Sorry you’re having problems with spammers.

   1. Hi Maddie,

      That’s so true. If we’re parents, it’s up to us to instill values into our children and be the best example of that as we can. Children do learn what they live, whether that be how they deal with adversity, how they talk, how they treat others and if they learn to have self respect.

      I agree. Bullying cannot be stamped out with the push of a button, but like you said, us bloggers can help to raise awareness of it. Plus…we, too can set good examples on how to talk to others.

5. Hi Barbara .. you’ve said it and Patricia, Suzen, and Maddie have excellent points .. and has Maddie says .. it starts at home – and in the family, continues in school, amongst friends ..

   Life is too ephemeral for comfort – well life isn’t – but living it is .. and we are unique – yet we seem to need to hang around in groups, or do what everyone else does .. we need to think for ourselves.

   We need to have better examples set for us by our ‘leaders’, journalists, tv, politicians etc etc ..

   Set good examples and standards for ourselves and adhere to them …. Have a good weekend .. Hilary

   1. Thank you Hilary,

      Yes. For some bullies, it does start at home. And for those who don’t have a stable home life, they are learning “in the streets”; from their peers.

      As Maddie mentioned, some kids have a weak understanding of the consequences of bad behavior; add to that, having friends egging them on and before you know it, bullying can go out of control.

      Sadly, it often ends with a young person taking their own life or having to deal with “issues” for years to come. 🙁

6. It’s a difficult time we live in and the kids have to be worried about so many things that impact their lives. Bullying is never to be tolerated.

   We just finished an education session with the people in our community. We had over 90 kids there and it was a great response.

   Thanks for sharing this.

   1. You’re welcome Chris,

      That’s great your community is tackling this problem head on. Maybe that’s something you can share with other communities, as well.

      I’m with you. Kids do have to be worried about so much more these days. It can’t be easy for them and when bullying is added to the mix, I’m betting it pushes many of them to the edge.

7. Hi Barbara,
   I believe most bullies have problems themselves, and to cover that, direct all their feelings to someone who is more vulnerable. I am not trying to excuse them, if they had been given some feelings of self worth, and taught how to have empathy by their families, and those who can exert influence over them, perhaps they would not feel the need to humiliate others.

   How to solve it? Well I think a start would be to get rid of the ‘Me, Me, Me’ society, and get to ‘You, You, You’

   People have to learn there are always consequences resulting from their actions, be they good or bad.

   And, I know the Bible is not fashionable now, but a liitle bit of ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ wouldn’t come amiss.

   1. Hi Barry,

      Thank you for bringing that up, and I agree. Most bullies do have problems, and not so unlike adults who point the finger at others, bullies are doing the same thing – only to make them feel better. And as you mentioned, that doesn’t work nor does it help to build self worth.

      Sadly we are seeing more of the “me, me” type attitudes and less of “you, you”.

      “Do unto others…” is the key to solving this problem. Now we just have to find a way to implement that attitude worldwide. 🙂

8. If I had a kid, this is what I’d tell them:

   If nobody “likes” what you put on Facebook, so what? Besides, it’s just one big popularity contest. There are worse problems in life. Deal with it.

   Better to focus on your “analog” friends: i.e. the ones you hang out with in real life.

   1. Hi Friar,

      Good point. Places like Facebook (and blogs, too) can be like a popularity contest, and although we can build relationships with others online, spending time with those who support us in the real world should come first.

   2. I do agree with you on this. Focusing to our friends in real life is important than those on Facebook or virtual world. All those incidents on children bullying is sad story that everyone must addressed to.

9. Hi Barbara,
   When someting is published on the internet.it stays there and for some people becomes the truth. Children cannot discriminate the facts from the rubbish. They think just because it is on the web , it must be true.
   We need to teach our children to have more human contact and less cyber contact.
   I believe we are becoming a society of cyber people and we must limit how much time our children spend on their computers

   1. Hi David,

      Isn’t that the truth – if it’s online, it’s supposedly true? Yikes!

      I like your idea of limiting how much time a child spends online. I know in the past they did studies of how less TV and more one on one time with parents/elders helped children. and like you, I think the same holds true for cyber time.

10. Barbara,

    In a perfect world, there would be no bullies, or spammers! It seems to me this is another case of a few bad apples can spoil the bunch.

    In a blog of mine last month I was a little critical of the “liking” system, for one it “un-levels” the playing field – those with many, many friends and connections can manipulate this system to their advantage, and there are plenty of folks who have something to say but might not have the wherewithal to generate these large ratings.

    I have read some blog comments on sites where a reader can really get the sense of the bullying (especially prevalent it seems on political topics), lots of abusive name calling, others chiming in as well to “gang-up” on a commenter. It definitely is not reflective of our more noble capabilities.

    Thanks!

    1. You’re welcome David,

       You know, I’ve seem some of those types of blogs/comments; where there’s abuse, name calling, and others ganging up on a commenter. It’s sad. Add to that how kids see adults acting that way and soon they think it’s acceptable – maybe even “cool”.

       And to get off the subject of cyber attacks, I also see the same thing happening on some reality TV shows, talk shows and on political debates.

       I hear what you’re saying about the “liking” system. For the newbie, it’s difficult to raise awareness to themselves or issues, but for those who either have a truly large following or those who have gamed the system, their voice can overpower others, whether right or wrong.

11. At times, I see us going to such great lengths to accommodate hurtful negativity – in the name of freedom of whatever. As a teacher, my mother taught us the best way to handle pests, bullies et al was to ignore them. We didn’t give them any attention – positive or negative.

    I haven’t run across what you describe, Barb, so I may not have the right concept. It sounds mean-spirited. Ranking, rating, or critiquing is judgmental. Setting up such action smells of “control”.

    1. Hi Amy,

       Your mother taught you well – bullies do look for others to engage with, but if we’re not willing to play, they move onto their next target. In a perfect world, everyone would say “no”.

       Unfortunately when naive and trusting children sign onto social networks, they’re unaware how (some) others may be stalking them, ready to pounce at any moment. In addition to cyber bullying, children are also having to deal with online perverts – but that’s a topic for another post. It’s a lot for kids to handle, which makes me wonder if social networking should be limited to adults only.

       As for ranking comments, you have the right concept, and yes, it promotes a judgmental behavior.

12. Cyber contact is just the same as cyber addiction. For teenagers and children now adays, most of them stay put on the computer when they dont have school days. They might even don’t how to interact with other people in public. That’s why they are using the internet so bluntly.

13. Hi Motivational Movies,

    I hear you. If children don’t learn how to interact in the real world, they’ll learn from their peers online. If who they follow or befriend are bullies, chances are they’ll do the same.

    And sadly, if they are the ones who get bullied, without knowing how to communicate in the real world, chances are they’ll believe what’s written. 🙁

14. Hi Barbara,..
    I agree with u about Mr/Mrs motivational movies comment. Socializing online is not so bad and can go parallel with our real live activity. The problem just to choose a good friend or community online is more difficult than in real that also have been not easy. Hope you get what i mean coz my english is not good.
    So sorry why i so late to know this blog….

    1. Hi Ari,

       Yes. It can come down to who we choose to hang out with, whether online or off, especially considering how peer pressure can be so influential.

15. Just like you said, Barbara, cyber bullying will always be present in the same way as bullying will happen in real life. I was a victim of bullying back in high school. Perhaps the most painful thing about the bullying incident was the fact that it happened right in front of a teacher who simply allowed the incident to happen.

    In addition to having parents reinforce love and relationship with their parents, schools must also be vigilant when it comes to bullying not just to the students, but also the manner on how teachers and other members of the staff deal and handle with it, especially in today’s society where it’s become a lot easier to bully others.

    1. Hi Adeline,

       I’m sorry to hear you were bullied. It’s sad to hear the teacher didn’t do anything about it. I hope you’ve survived the incident.

       That does appear to be the consensus, based on the comments; that preventing bullying starts at home and also needs to be recognized and dealt with in schools.

16. I remember seeing an edited photo of Freud saying that before we diagnose ourselves of low self-esteem or depression, we must try to see if we are just surrounded by as**oles.

    The problem is that kids can’t possibly think of it that way. I also agree with your point that social media has also become a venue for bullying, which is worse because it reaches a bigger audience.

    My solution here is to go back to the basics of being a good netizen. Respect. No flaming. No spamming etc.

    [Due to possible offensive language, comment has been slightly modified]

17. Hi Tony,

    You’re right. Social media has created a huge venue for bullying. And with sites like Facebook and MySpace (is that still being used?) catering to young folk, it only makes it easier for kids to bully by posting whatever they want on other kid’s walls or comment streams.

    I like your idea of being a good netizen. Respect goes a long way.

18. Our children are having much tougher times at the cyberspace with social media than we ever had. But on the other hand, they might handle likes and dislikes better (or in a different way) than we do. I think we should not worry too much about them, this is a world they were born into and are growing up in, they’ll learn to handle as much as we learned how to interact with each other and handle bullying on the playground. 🙂 Don’t you agree?

    1. Hi Anna,

       You’re right. What children are growing up with now is different than what we faced in the past. Granted, they may be able to handle likes and dislikes better than grownups, but I still worry being labeled might have a a negative effect on them.

19. I don’t think there is a way to stop cyber bullying, Barbara, unfortunately. Bullying seems to be human nature, no matter where we go. But with the online world being more accessible and with the anonymity factor, I can see how it is more prevalent. The disadvantage of course is that it is harder to deal with online because of this. Offline, folk are more accessible and can be dealt with face-to face.

    I think that just by becoming proactive and dealing with the “victims” is a good place to start. Rather than focus on the perpetrators — depending on the situation of course — time and energy should be spent helping them understand what is going on. One of the most challenging things to deal with, in regards to bullies online, is trying to understand THEM. And that doesn’t necessarily get a kid anywhere. Learning to understand themselves is a good place to start; getting even, or hurting oneself is not the answer.

    I just read something a friend sent to me about depression and how “the strong seek help,” and to me that is an invitation and even a challenge to take care of yourself and to not accept the words of other people as being truth, which we so easily do while online. Keeping the lines of communication open is so important, and not being afraid to ask for help.

    1. Hi Davina,

       Yes. With the emergence of online connections, it is easier to bully others.

       I like your idea of keeping the lines of communication open. Not only can that open the door to good discussions with our children (or students), but just by listening, those who are being bullied might feel someone cares (about them).

       And I think the same holds true for kids who bully others. Although they might come across as “tough”, often they’re masking internal (emotional) pain.

20. I thought i share here what I recently stumbled upon. It is this podcast by Judge Thomas A. Jacobs on Legal Issues Facing Teens Today – Cyberbullying, sexting, downloading music illegally. What is a teen to do when they find themselves in legal trouble or maybe even a victim of a possible crime…
    http://legaltalknetwork.com/podcasts/lawyer-2-lawyer/2011/11/legal-issues-facing-teens-today/

    1. Hi Chris,

       Thank you for sharing the link. I’ll bet most kids don’t realize a lot of their online activities could have legal ramifications.

21. That is why I try to be a positive blogger. I don’t even post about thinks that I would speak negatively of. I don’t want to be a “Cyber Bully”

    1. Hi Khleo,

       That’s smart. By blogging responsibly/positively you’re ensuring your messages aren’t misconstrued as bullying.

22. I appreciate you posting this article. Bullying is nothing new, but still very terrifying. As you said, even the simple act of labeling one person as a winner and another as a loser can have a big impact on one’s self-worth. That pushes me to be more careful in my own literature. 🙂

    1. Hi Ethicas,

       I’m happy to hear you enjoyed the post. Being aware of how labeling others can impact others is the first step (I think) to being a part of the solution.

23. I appreciate you bringing this up. I was bullied as a child and it took a long time to get over being introverted. I believe changing the books children read in school to self development will help.

    1. Hi Spencer,

       I’m sorry to hear you were bullied. Your case is a good example of how bullying can affect our personality for years to come.

       It would be great if schools did have classes in developing self esteem as it would be a great venue to discuss bullying, too.

24. I had terrible acne as a teenager (although looking back at the pictures now it wasn’t as bad as I thought), and “loser” was pretty much what I thought of myself. I can’t image posting something on a blog and having the “loser” label actually applied to me. It would have been horrible. Bullying is nothing new, but it just seems to be easier now. The distance of the screen just makes it that much easier to be callous.

    1. Hi Kristy,

       You’ve raised a good point. If our self esteem is already low and we comment online and get labeled as “loser”, that just makes the problem worse.

       I agree – it’s easy for some to hide behind a computer screen and not take responsibility for their words/actions.

25. As a responsible parent, I won’t allow my kids to use the internet for longer hours to avoid the cyber bullying. And to realize to them to be a responsible user of the internet.

    1. Hi Joseph,

       I congratulate you on your actions. By limiting the amount of time a child spends online, plus teaching them to be responsible when they are, gives them a solid foundation for the future.

26. Bullying has been one of the major problems in our society especially to children and teenagers. We, adults should do something to help them out. It is proven that words are spread faster if you will use Social Media sites. So, we should make use of these websites to increase awareness of bullying. Not all children may see the things we write but it’s worth a try and it’s better then doing nothing.

    1. Hi Vivian,

       You’re right. Even though a lot of people may not see our words, even if we can open the eyes of one person to what’s going on with regard to cyber bullying, we’re helping to solve the problem.

27. If I was the one in charge, I would put a law that will imprison those cyber bullies for good.

    1. Hi Kira,

       Your comment raises a good point. If cyber bullies continue to get away with bullying without any consequences, they might think there’s nothing wrong with what they’re doing.

28. Hi Barbara,

    I agree with Davina completely – bullying is not something that can be cured. There is no single, clear way of getting around it and as long as there are a variety of people there will be a range of unacceptable actions. Bullying needs to be addressed at the victim’s level and on a case-by-case basis.

    When I was young I was taught by my parents to be polite, mindful of others and to think twice before I act. I was bullied for a short time but soon realized that not acting was worse than waiting for a problem to go away. A bully will only be a bully as long as they see that you’re being affected by their tactics. In real life, retribution works very well and a painful lesson for my bully made everything go away. Sadly, online a retaliatory response just grows into something larger and attracts more attention. What I’m getting at is that the person being bullied needs to know their options and what to do for their particular case.

    Also, if you look at statistics you’ll see that bullying, regardless of medium, has a terrible influence on suicide, with bully victims being up to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than normal kids. Great post as always!

    1. Thank you Chris,

       You’ve brought up some excellent points. Bullying in the real world is different than online (in some cases), and like you said, online what starts out as a simple response, can explode into something unimaginable.

       The statistics for suicide amongst those who get bullied is alarming. My hope is more awareness will be brought to this issue and lives can be saved.

29. great blog…i totally aagree with you when you said “Even though a lot of people may not see our words, even if we can open the eyes of one person to what’s going on with regard to cyber bullying, we’re helping to solve the problem.” i sincerely hope we can find a way to eliminate it for good

    1. Hi Julie,

       Like you, I hope we find a way to end bullying – both in real life and online.

30. I would categorize twitter separately from Facebook and Google +. Because you do not get as much attached to others through twitter as you get on facebook or Google +. And ofcourse use of social networking sites by minors is a newly arising headache for all of us.

    1. Hi Server Technology,

       That’s true. Twitter is less “personal”, but that’s not to say someone can’t get bullied there. 🙁

       Having minors online, on social networking sites and on blogs does create other issues. Plus, many of them are signing up prior to reaching the “required” age.

31. Although parents acts as the primary caretaker of a child, I deeply believe that the whole community also has responsibility in raising an individual. All of us has to do something to make our social environment conducive to raising a child properly.

32. Hi there, i was moved by your thoughtfulness of cyber bullying. Just by recognizing it alone is contributing enough. I don’t do much online anything. I’m thinking of getting into it, you know, one step at a time.
    Many of the times is not how much we say or point out, but rather how valuable it is. It is viable that, we ought to be able to differentiate. Giving more does not necessarily lead to satisfaction. Rather, the frequency of it.
    Just to pull away off topic for a minute. I was watching this dating program on the television. To cut it short, it came down between a male and two female, on a one on one romantic date. At the end of the date, the male will make his choice. Female number one gave it all, kisses, flirting, the whole works. The other female held back during her date with the gentleman. Guess what, in the end the guy chose the one that held back. It is fascinated how the mind works. Most of the time, is all about the quality of giving.
    Cyber bullying won’t go away, but it can be minimized. It is all we can hope for.

    I wish I had a sure-fire way to stop cyber bullying, but I don’t.

33. It is the spoken word that keeps the world going round and round and round. It is to bad that people can take the spoken word and create so much damage with it. If you have nothing good to say then don’t say anything at all. If you are going to leave your mark on the world it is far more honorable to make it positive.

34. Indeed, cyber bullying needs to stop. I would support anyone who takes initiative in this direction. You should have more posts like this so that people are aware.

35. I think the action that the quote is referring to are to complex and have taken over the virtual world in a way that there is no turning back. You wrote about children that commit suicide. What about mothers that kill their children because they are crying while they are checking Facebook? Or what about the cybernetic attacks and hackers that live out bank accounts empty.

36. Hi Barbara, you’re spot on and it’s such a pity that bullies have yet another way of hurting their victims but I suppose there’s always a downside to new technology. I suppose youtube has helped this by having the dislike button, luckily facebook has so far abstained from allowing people from being able from being negative with the click of a button. I just think it’s important for parents to be ‘friends’ with their kids online so they can monitor what’s happening and be prepared to deal with any fallout. Great post and I’ve found the comments very interesting too.

37. And why is this happening? Spamming comments even though its my second time to comment. Is there anything wrong with my words that makes me a spammy comment-er?

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